I am failure.
That's all there is to it. Nothing I have done is success. Everything is fail.
I came across this revelation while in Wal-Mart, searching for... things... when I met up with one of my friends from that place I went to during the Summer...
I'd not conversed with this guy for over a year... but he knew everything about me in an instant. I still live at home. I still can't drive. I still work at Pizza Hut. I still collect toys. About the only thing that changed since last we met is that I bombed the comic.
All my life, I've been told that I would be a failure at everything I do. It's been so bad that I recently began to believe that. I've been told that by my grandmother every day I lived there. It was basically my "good morning" from her. She's basically the reason I started the comic in the first place... I just wanted acceptance from her finally... I never once heard from her that I wasn't anything but a failure, then she passed away... And she forgot who I was. This, of course, was my limit. I'm in a slump. What made me finish High School? Exactly that. When my COUNSELOR, the one who's been making me actually have enough drive to STAY in school, told my parents that I wouldn't be successful at ANYTHING...
It was this that made me finish High School. Fast. I made up 18 credits in three weeks. I finished before anybody else did. One week before graduation.
Who was at MY graduation ceremony? Nobody. I was handed the diploma, and nobody but my parents (who were the only ones that cheered me on, basically,) clapped.
This empty auditorium actually haunts my dreams. To this day.
After that, I lost all the drive to do anything. I leave EVERYTHING unfinished. Nothing I do... well... MOSTLY nothing I do is good enough for me.
I am suck itself. I only see flaws.
I could never make friends besides those that can't see my face. I feel like everybody judges me. Every move I make is being watched. I feel quite alone.
No, I'm not going to get poetic. I can't, anyway.
I need help. I've got to get back on my feet. Grandma would have just loved for me to sit here, slumped on the floor. That counselor? I've got to prove that I'm more than just a wasted mind. Everybody else? They're not just there to rate me on everything. Some... actually might like me.
Huh. Thanks, journal. I needed that.
Yeah. I guess I'll share. It feels REALLY good to get that all out.
Time to get rid of all this debt I owe. Starting small.
All those pictures I owe to people... Especially one certain individual who I've kept waiting OVERLY long enough.
For that, I'm sorry.
I know you're watching.
And Sunrise? We really need to talk.
Everybody else? It's obvious I need you. I can get through all this... I just need your help.
--Not the Point?
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Just reposting this from my Furaffinity place. Stole it from Sunrise Falls.
Full Name: Joshua C. Littlewhiteman
Were you named after anyone? After the biblical guy, I suppose
Do you wish on stars? Not really.
When did you last cry? Last weekend
Do you like your handwriting? Eh. Don't love it.
What is your favorite lunchmeat? Pepperoni is cool.
What is your birth date? July 19, 1990
What is your most embarrassing CD? Suessical the Musical.
If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you? I'd hope so, but probably not.
Are you a daredevil? Nononononononono
Have you ever told a secret you swore not to tell? Not really.
Do looks matter? Not terribly so.
What is 'sexy' about you? NEXT!
How do you release anger? By quietly thinking it over in a corner alone.
Where is your second home? My grandmother's former house.
What was your favorite toy as a child? An old G2 Laser Optimus Prime. (I sold it D:)
What class in high school do you think was totally useless? Auto shop. We did NOTHING in that class. NOTHING BUT SIT.
Do you have a journal? Other than here? No.
Do you use sarcasm a lot? Only to my friends.
Favorite movies? Just one?
What are your nicknames? Wheels, Big Guy, Jasper, Flame, Raiettei, Shadow, Hey, and Yogurt
Would you bungee jump? Are you talking to ME??? O.O
Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? Never.
Do you think that you are strong? Physically? Not very. Emotionally? Even less so.
What’s your favorite ice cream flavor? I can't eat it. :<
Shoe Size? 14 Wide Mens
What are your favorite colors? Green, Blue, and silver.
What is your least favorite thing about yourself? My looks. Face, mostly.
Who do you miss most? ...Many people. Most of which are deceased now.
Do you want everyone you send this to send it back? What?
What color pants are you wearing? Faded green.
What are you listening to right now? Metal man's theme
Last thing you ate? Frybread
If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Yellow-green.
What is the weather like right now? VERY cold.
Last person you talked to on the phone: A customer. (Pizza Hut)
The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? Mouth. Or Face, naturally.
Do you like the person who sent this to you? Sun? Yeah. If you don't know by now...
How Are You Today? Been better.
Favorite Drink? Water, yes.
Favorite Sport? I like bowling, if that counts.
Hair Color? Black
Eye Color? VERY dark brown.
Do you wear contacts? Hahaha... no.
Favorite Food? A some sort of pizza thing I made.
Last Movie You Watched? Paranormal Activity.
Favorite Day Of The Year? October 30th to November 1st.
Scary Movies Or Happy Endings? happy endings
Summer Or Winter? Summer. X<
Hugs OR Kisses? Hugs. Want one? I do.
What Is Your Favorite Dessert? Fruit I don't happen to be allergic to.
Who Is Most Likely To Respond? Uhh... who hasn't done this yet?
Who Is Least Likely To Respond? EVERYBODY! HA!
Living Arrangements? A trailer. Better than it sounds.
What Book(s) Are You Reading? Skipping Christmas
What’s On Your Mouse Pad? I have none.
What Did You Watch Last night on TV? Laptops count, right? G1 Transformers
Favorite Smells? Fresh blueberry pie.
Rolling Stones or Beatles? Rolling stones, I guess.
Do you believe in Evolution or Creationism? Evolution
What’s the furthest you’ve been from home? Washington DC, yes.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Sometimes, I just need reassurance that I'm still awesome. I mean... yeah.
You wanna know what? I wish I didn't freeze up whenever it comes to socialness (I'm reminded of that dance the other week at Anime Banzai... and every other dance I've attended, for that matter)... I mean... I feel so pathetic whenever it comes to such things. I stand around nervously, thinking of ways to escape while also acknowledging that I really, REALLY want to get out there and dance. I'm always trying to forget about all of this. I'm better than it. I swear. But...
I'm simply not strong enough. I've been turned down many times the past few years, I'm just afraid. (Not to mention the best I could do before was Bekka, and... Maddi knows exactly how THAT turned out. >.>) You know what? I think I just explained to myself why the "Prom Night" arc in Got the Point? is so... bleak. Huh.
I don't know how to talk to females unless they make the first comment. And, unless THEY keep it up, it becomes an EXTREMELY awkward moment. This is why most of my conversations consist of "Hi, Josh!" "...H-hey! Uhhmm..." And then five seconds of silence followed by both parties leaving while making careful attention to avoid each other the rest of the day. I wanna change that.
Back to the original subject: My life is ruled by acceptance by other people. I need not talk about my grandmother and my aspirations to have her accept me or anything, do I? No? Okay then. I mean, I feel like I do everything I can to get others to notice my stuff (which, by the way, is how I met both Maddi and Lauren. I'm not too sure why I talk about them like I don't expect either of them to read this... because they're the ONLY people who read this thing... <.<)
This makes me feel like I get pret-ty annoying.
You know what doesn't help AT ALL? My fear of being around too many people. Being surrounded makes me hyperventilate. This fortunately doesn't show up that often, but when it does... gah.
All this and more are reasons why I don't have that many friends around here. I only have two that I haven't lost contact with or refuse to talk to me (trust me... they exist.).
One friend, called Madison, has been with me since 2004. She filled the role of "weird blonde kid that's friends with my friend's sister". In the time-frame of two months, she became "second best friend," then, once Bekka stopped talking to me, became "weird blonde kid that also happens to be my only friend". She makes a point to speak to me over chat almost every day. These days, you might know her as Sunrise Falls or Rain.
The other, named Lauren, has known me since 2007. She held the title of "roommate's friend that wanted to see my art". I was amazed at how fast I became connected to her... since there were only thirty days to know her. A year later, I get tackle hugs. Another year later, I go places only because of encouragement from her.
Needless to say, I'm glad I know them both. Without them, I'd be totally lost and alone.
I'm getting somewhat gushy right now. There are definitely tears on the sides of my eyes right now.
So... I'm gonna stop.
Wow. I just made a post about my insecurities. I think I'm making progress. I just revealed some weaknesses.
--Got the Point?