Saturday, November 28, 2009

The failure that is Raietteiwaitteman

I am failure.

That's all there is to it. Nothing I have done is success. Everything is fail.
I came across this revelation while in Wal-Mart, searching for... things... when I met up with one of my friends from that place I went to during the Summer...

I'd not conversed with this guy for over a year... but he knew everything about me in an instant. I still live at home. I still can't drive. I still work at Pizza Hut. I still collect toys. About the only thing that changed since last we met is that I bombed the comic.

All my life, I've been told that I would be a failure at everything I do. It's been so bad that I recently began to believe that. I've been told that by my grandmother every day I lived there. It was basically my "good morning" from her. She's basically the reason I started the comic in the first place... I just wanted acceptance from her finally... I never once heard from her that I wasn't anything but a failure, then she passed away... And she forgot who I was. This, of course, was my limit. I'm in a slump. What made me finish High School? Exactly that. When my COUNSELOR, the one who's been making me actually have enough drive to STAY in school, told my parents that I wouldn't be successful at ANYTHING...

I snapped.

It was this that made me finish High School. Fast. I made up 18 credits in three weeks. I finished before anybody else did. One week before graduation.

Who was at MY graduation ceremony? Nobody. I was handed the diploma, and nobody but my parents (who were the only ones that cheered me on, basically,) clapped.

This empty auditorium actually haunts my dreams. To this day.

After that, I lost all the drive to do anything. I leave EVERYTHING unfinished. Nothing I do... well... MOSTLY nothing I do is good enough for me.
I am suck itself. I only see flaws.

I could never make friends besides those that can't see my face. I feel like everybody judges me. Every move I make is being watched. I feel quite alone.

No, I'm not going to get poetic. I can't, anyway.

I need help. I've got to get back on my feet. Grandma would have just loved for me to sit here, slumped on the floor. That counselor? I've got to prove that I'm more than just a wasted mind. Everybody else? They're not just there to rate me on everything. Some... actually might like me.

Huh. Thanks, journal. I needed that.

Yeah. I guess I'll share. It feels REALLY good to get that all out.

Time to get rid of all this debt I owe. Starting small.

All those pictures I owe to people... Especially one certain individual who I've kept waiting OVERLY long enough.

For that, I'm sorry.

I know you're watching.

And Sunrise? We really need to talk.

Everybody else? It's obvious I need you. I can get through all this... I just need your help.


--Not the Point?

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