You wanna know what? I wish I didn't freeze up whenever it comes to socialness (I'm reminded of that dance the other week at Anime Banzai... and every other dance I've attended, for that matter)... I mean... I feel so pathetic whenever it comes to such things. I stand around nervously, thinking of ways to escape while also acknowledging that I really, REALLY want to get out there and dance. I'm always trying to forget about all of this. I'm better than it. I swear. But...
I'm simply not strong enough. I've been turned down many times the past few years, I'm just afraid. (Not to mention the best I could do before was Bekka, and... Maddi knows exactly how THAT turned out. >.>) You know what? I think I just explained to myself why the "Prom Night" arc in Got the Point? is so... bleak. Huh.
I don't know how to talk to females unless they make the first comment. And, unless THEY keep it up, it becomes an EXTREMELY awkward moment. This is why most of my conversations consist of "Hi, Josh!" "...H-hey! Uhhmm..." And then five seconds of silence followed by both parties leaving while making careful attention to avoid each other the rest of the day. I wanna change that.
Back to the original subject: My life is ruled by acceptance by other people. I need not talk about my grandmother and my aspirations to have her accept me or anything, do I? No? Okay then. I mean, I feel like I do everything I can to get others to notice my stuff (which, by the way, is how I met both Maddi and Lauren. I'm not too sure why I talk about them like I don't expect either of them to read this... because they're the ONLY people who read this thing... <.<)
This makes me feel like I get pret-ty annoying.
You know what doesn't help AT ALL? My fear of being around too many people. Being surrounded makes me hyperventilate. This fortunately doesn't show up that often, but when it does... gah.
All this and more are reasons why I don't have that many friends around here. I only have two that I haven't lost contact with or refuse to talk to me (trust me... they exist.).
One friend, called Madison, has been with me since 2004. She filled the role of "weird blonde kid that's friends with my friend's sister". In the time-frame of two months, she became "second best friend," then, once Bekka stopped talking to me, became "weird blonde kid that also happens to be my only friend". She makes a point to speak to me over chat almost every day. These days, you might know her as Sunrise Falls or Rain.
The other, named Lauren, has known me since 2007. She held the title of "roommate's friend that wanted to see my art". I was amazed at how fast I became connected to her... since there were only thirty days to know her. A year later, I get tackle hugs. Another year later, I go places only because of encouragement from her.
Needless to say, I'm glad I know them both. Without them, I'd be totally lost and alone.
I'm getting somewhat gushy right now. There are definitely tears on the sides of my eyes right now.
So... I'm gonna stop.
Wow. I just made a post about my insecurities. I think I'm making progress. I just revealed some weaknesses.
Anyway...
--Got the Point?
^_^ You better brace yourself for that next hug! It's gonna be a doozy!!! ^_^ To tide you over until then...{HUG}
ReplyDeleteWoah, is it weird for me to be typing here all of the sudden? Hmm... This is Lysander, by the way. And how does this web page know my real first name...?
ReplyDeleteAnyways, your description of yourself with certain kinds of events is seems a lot like me. With dancing I'm just like that, wanting to not be there while at the same time wanting to dance. I feel bad sometimes for the poor girl who asked me out to a Halloween dance in high school. I still don't really feel awkward like most people would in certain situations, but I'm sure she must have been feeling quite so. I didn't know what the heck to do so I ended up drinking soda between non-slow songs, and the slow songs weren't really any better. Then if I'm for some reason at a dance (that I wouldn't have gone to by choice) I'd be waiting to dance, but wouldn't be able to get myself going even with friends there.
But hey, if you've been turned down that probably means you at least tried to ask people. I never got that far, so good or you on that part. And I also used to create the awkwardness with a girl saying hello to me and end up trying to avoid her to not create even more later.
Well I may not know your personally, but I haven't found you annoying at all. I'm sure other people in the broadcast and stuff don't think so either.
Sunrise and Lauren sound like wonderful friends. I know Sunrise is always fun to talk with in the broadcast and stuff. If it wasn't for a certain two friends of mine I would be much more pathetic. They helped me through many things, one of them being quite shy around anyone, especially groups of people. They used to always have little parties and stuff and got me to reluctantly go. One lives a couple hours away now, but I still go over to his place any chance I get to hang out with him and his roommates and group of friends, something I would probably still never do if I didn't know him.
Also going to the forum really helped, if only in many little ways. The first thing I ever did on my own that involved various people that I never knew. A few months after appearing there was when I went on a religious mission which requires talking to many different people all the time, and eventually I got used to talking with people whether I'd want to or not.
Still, I have trouble with a lot of weird things like not being able to ask someone to dance at a dance, though a much better chance with a friend coercing me into doing so. Also with things like hugs where I love giving/receiving hugs, but even if I know someone would be fine with me hugging him/her, actually doing so is very difficult for me unless that person has already initiated a hug or few :P.
Well, I hope I didn't entirely destroy your emotional disclosure. Just felt like saying stuff I guess.
Have a lucky day!